Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mercies in Disquise
This morning, I heard this beautiful reminder from the Father. It brought tears from my eyes and it uplifted my soul.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day Sacrifice
Well, as I was sitting in church today, I decided today was the day...Mother's Day.....when I finally did it-told parts of my story, our story. This was the 3rd Mother's Day, the most difficult one so far, the aching was almost unbearable and almost too hard to hide away.
Growing up my friends used to say if there was a 'mother university', that's where I would go. In college, I was voted 'most likely to have 10 kids' (a title which I was very proud of by the way). Being an elementary teacher for a few years I have had the amazing opportunity to mother and even accidentally be called 'mommy' on occasion. I've kissed boo boos, cleaned up after kiddos who got sick, investigated wrongs, and held little ones on the playground, singing prayers over them, aching for their hearts and their hurts. And the hugs, oh the hugs.... and trying to walk through a maze of kids while they're holding onto me. It's like breathing-so natural and such an essential part of who the Lord has created me to be. I've always known that what God placed in my heart was for more than just my own biological children, but of course I've dreamed of feeling little ones kick inside my womb. My greatest fear has been infertility.
This past year, we have faced that fear. I will never forget that day in October, after 2 years of trying to get pregnant, I dialed a doctor's phone number-only to hang up before anyone answered. A couple of days later, I took a deep breath and made the appointment. Since then, it's been specialists, bad news, good news, confusing news.....and so, here we are. We have some answers-maybe, but what I know for sure is that my heart aches. My heart aches, as it always has, for the children I know and love who need parents. My heart aches to know why, or what I've done, though I know there's no answer to that. My heart aches to adopt. And, today, on Mother's day,while my heart aches to be a mother, it also aches for anyone else who knows that longing and that pain-I am praying for you today.
It's been a grieving process-a sacrifice. When I was in college, the Lord challenged me, through the story of Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice my dreams and I find myself once again in that place. Even the God given dreams, must be laid at His feet. Praying for His will, His way is hard at times. However, in the grieving comes a re-birth. A new dream. My husband and I have talked about adoption from the time we started dating and God is continuing to draw my heart. If/when it's time, we'll know. We are also working with our final specialist for now, the Tulsa fertility clinic and have a few options, though expensive and extensive we have been trying.
I could go on and on about the process, the treatments, the silent pain I feel at times and perhaps I will later. There are so many things in this world I do not understand and can't make them make sense. My faith has been tested yet again-from who I know God to be and what I'm seeing His hands do (or not do). So many questions and sometimes after a pregnancy test, a call from the clinic, another needle poke, I get frustrated again-so many things I don't know. But, what I do know is that God doesn't change. The same God that met me in my room when I was a little girl-is still the same God. Can He do the impossible? yes. Will He do the impossible? I don't know. But my journey with God is about relationship. Relationship isn't based on what He will do for me, but who he is. God is still God, He is still my life, my everything-whether I get pregnant or not.
Today, on Mother's Day, I am thanking God for my own mothers and grandmothers. But also for the countless children He has allowed me to mother. I pray our journey will touch and encourage others. Not just those who are faced with infertility, but also those who are faced with confusion and waiting on God. Know that God is still God, He's still there, and His unfathomable love can reach wherever you are and lift you up. It's ok to be broken and fall apart. Sacrifice it all-so He can be all.
Growing up my friends used to say if there was a 'mother university', that's where I would go. In college, I was voted 'most likely to have 10 kids' (a title which I was very proud of by the way). Being an elementary teacher for a few years I have had the amazing opportunity to mother and even accidentally be called 'mommy' on occasion. I've kissed boo boos, cleaned up after kiddos who got sick, investigated wrongs, and held little ones on the playground, singing prayers over them, aching for their hearts and their hurts. And the hugs, oh the hugs.... and trying to walk through a maze of kids while they're holding onto me. It's like breathing-so natural and such an essential part of who the Lord has created me to be. I've always known that what God placed in my heart was for more than just my own biological children, but of course I've dreamed of feeling little ones kick inside my womb. My greatest fear has been infertility.
This past year, we have faced that fear. I will never forget that day in October, after 2 years of trying to get pregnant, I dialed a doctor's phone number-only to hang up before anyone answered. A couple of days later, I took a deep breath and made the appointment. Since then, it's been specialists, bad news, good news, confusing news.....and so, here we are. We have some answers-maybe, but what I know for sure is that my heart aches. My heart aches, as it always has, for the children I know and love who need parents. My heart aches to know why, or what I've done, though I know there's no answer to that. My heart aches to adopt. And, today, on Mother's day,while my heart aches to be a mother, it also aches for anyone else who knows that longing and that pain-I am praying for you today.
It's been a grieving process-a sacrifice. When I was in college, the Lord challenged me, through the story of Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice my dreams and I find myself once again in that place. Even the God given dreams, must be laid at His feet. Praying for His will, His way is hard at times. However, in the grieving comes a re-birth. A new dream. My husband and I have talked about adoption from the time we started dating and God is continuing to draw my heart. If/when it's time, we'll know. We are also working with our final specialist for now, the Tulsa fertility clinic and have a few options, though expensive and extensive we have been trying.
I could go on and on about the process, the treatments, the silent pain I feel at times and perhaps I will later. There are so many things in this world I do not understand and can't make them make sense. My faith has been tested yet again-from who I know God to be and what I'm seeing His hands do (or not do). So many questions and sometimes after a pregnancy test, a call from the clinic, another needle poke, I get frustrated again-so many things I don't know. But, what I do know is that God doesn't change. The same God that met me in my room when I was a little girl-is still the same God. Can He do the impossible? yes. Will He do the impossible? I don't know. But my journey with God is about relationship. Relationship isn't based on what He will do for me, but who he is. God is still God, He is still my life, my everything-whether I get pregnant or not.
Today, on Mother's Day, I am thanking God for my own mothers and grandmothers. But also for the countless children He has allowed me to mother. I pray our journey will touch and encourage others. Not just those who are faced with infertility, but also those who are faced with confusion and waiting on God. Know that God is still God, He's still there, and His unfathomable love can reach wherever you are and lift you up. It's ok to be broken and fall apart. Sacrifice it all-so He can be all.
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