Saturday, June 11, 2011
Beautiful Chorus
I remember as a child laying in bed hearing my Dad playing the piano at night. Especially on Saturday night, before Sunday church. Sometimes during the day he would have me help him figure out how a song went-he played by ear. But the nights, those times were my favorite. No one and I do mean no one can play the piano or sing like my father. Even as a teenager when I didn't want to hug my Dad let alone spend time with him, the songs kept coming. I don't think it was intentional, but meaningful to me nonetheless. As I sit here tonight, Saturday night, as an adult in my parents' house, I can hear him playing for my Aunts and ministering to them. I am reminded of those nights laying in my bed. And that we never know who is listening to us, or watching us. We can have an eternal impact on someone's life, without even knowing it. How I pray that my life reflects that of my Heavenly Father-reflecting who He is and showing His love even when I don't know it. May my life be like my earthly father's song, a beautiful chorus-a constant reminder for others that God is always there.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Baby X
Today I'm thinking about a little one I will refer to as 'Baby X'. A couple of weeks ago we got a very random phone call from a good friend informing us that, he too had received a random phone call about a baby that was going to be put up for adoption. We didn't and still don't know too much about this situation as it worked out in a different way and hopefully where baby X gets to stay with family. However, the call started a process in my heart. Instead of hoping that we could bring this baby home, I was nervous, but more than anything, I began praying for baby X. My heart broke for this baby and I wanted God's best-His calling, His protection and His divine plan for this baby. It was an amazing thing to hurt for this Baby and even though at times, I was a little disappointed that things didn't work out, I was more at peace that the plan for this baby would be ordered by God. I thank God for sending this possibility into our life and for what this little life has done to my heart.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Under Construction
Just the other day, hubby and I were driving through town and I noticed that yet again, there was construction on the road: building bridges, adding lanes to a highway, etc. There always seems to be construction and it always seems to take longer that I would expect for them to be done. It's inconvenient to drive through and takes me more time to get to my desired destination. I have a plan and allow myself extra time, but sometimes it's not enough to compensate for driving through closed lanes or around flagmen. There are times when I'm going somewhere exciting, like to visit family, when I cringe if I see the construction signs. This is because I know that there is no way for me to tell how long the delay will be. I know it's necessary and even like the improvements to the roads once it's done, but during the process, it's not so nice.
As we were driving through construction on this particular day, I was thinking about our life. It has been a year since hubby and I made the move back to my home state-OK. This past year has personally be one of the hardest of my adult life-for many reasons. And, I realized that in many ways, there should be a sign hanging from my neck saying 'under construction.' This past year I have had plans, places to go, people to see, dreams to fulfill and the faith believing that God would make it all happen. And, time after time there were hang-ups. Things out of my control that delayed, destroyed or simply confused what I thought or hoped would happen----construction. Needless to say, the construction process isn't always so nice.
There is a man in the Bible who had a part in the re-construction of the city of Judah and his name was Nehemiah. He faced such opposition that 'those who built the wall and those who carried the burdens loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction and with the other held a weapon' (Neh. 5:17). They worked and yet were ready for a battle. Needless to say, it wasn't always easy and Nehemiah even found himself praying: 'O God, strengthen my hands.' (Neh. 6:9) As I look back over the 'construction' in my life, I realize that some of it I have a part in with the choices I make and my willingness to follow God's will. I also pray 'O God, strengthen my hands' so that I don't look at the mess that my life resembles at times and get discouraged. I am thankful that God knows what it will look like, what this part of my life will be like and He sees a beautiful mess-like the earthen vessel, cracked and yet made whole by His blood and used for His purpose.
I look back over my life and see the things that the Lord has done-pictures of who He is and His faithfulness. I am thankful that "He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil. 1:6 Even though I realize I want to always be 'under construction', growing and changing and drawing closer to Jesus, I am thankful that during the times I get weary and tired-He is 'my strength' and He isn't through with me yet.
As we were driving through construction on this particular day, I was thinking about our life. It has been a year since hubby and I made the move back to my home state-OK. This past year has personally be one of the hardest of my adult life-for many reasons. And, I realized that in many ways, there should be a sign hanging from my neck saying 'under construction.' This past year I have had plans, places to go, people to see, dreams to fulfill and the faith believing that God would make it all happen. And, time after time there were hang-ups. Things out of my control that delayed, destroyed or simply confused what I thought or hoped would happen----construction. Needless to say, the construction process isn't always so nice.
There is a man in the Bible who had a part in the re-construction of the city of Judah and his name was Nehemiah. He faced such opposition that 'those who built the wall and those who carried the burdens loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction and with the other held a weapon' (Neh. 5:17). They worked and yet were ready for a battle. Needless to say, it wasn't always easy and Nehemiah even found himself praying: 'O God, strengthen my hands.' (Neh. 6:9) As I look back over the 'construction' in my life, I realize that some of it I have a part in with the choices I make and my willingness to follow God's will. I also pray 'O God, strengthen my hands' so that I don't look at the mess that my life resembles at times and get discouraged. I am thankful that God knows what it will look like, what this part of my life will be like and He sees a beautiful mess-like the earthen vessel, cracked and yet made whole by His blood and used for His purpose.
I look back over my life and see the things that the Lord has done-pictures of who He is and His faithfulness. I am thankful that "He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil. 1:6 Even though I realize I want to always be 'under construction', growing and changing and drawing closer to Jesus, I am thankful that during the times I get weary and tired-He is 'my strength' and He isn't through with me yet.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mercies in Disquise
This morning, I heard this beautiful reminder from the Father. It brought tears from my eyes and it uplifted my soul.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day Sacrifice
Well, as I was sitting in church today, I decided today was the day...Mother's Day.....when I finally did it-told parts of my story, our story. This was the 3rd Mother's Day, the most difficult one so far, the aching was almost unbearable and almost too hard to hide away.
Growing up my friends used to say if there was a 'mother university', that's where I would go. In college, I was voted 'most likely to have 10 kids' (a title which I was very proud of by the way). Being an elementary teacher for a few years I have had the amazing opportunity to mother and even accidentally be called 'mommy' on occasion. I've kissed boo boos, cleaned up after kiddos who got sick, investigated wrongs, and held little ones on the playground, singing prayers over them, aching for their hearts and their hurts. And the hugs, oh the hugs.... and trying to walk through a maze of kids while they're holding onto me. It's like breathing-so natural and such an essential part of who the Lord has created me to be. I've always known that what God placed in my heart was for more than just my own biological children, but of course I've dreamed of feeling little ones kick inside my womb. My greatest fear has been infertility.
This past year, we have faced that fear. I will never forget that day in October, after 2 years of trying to get pregnant, I dialed a doctor's phone number-only to hang up before anyone answered. A couple of days later, I took a deep breath and made the appointment. Since then, it's been specialists, bad news, good news, confusing news.....and so, here we are. We have some answers-maybe, but what I know for sure is that my heart aches. My heart aches, as it always has, for the children I know and love who need parents. My heart aches to know why, or what I've done, though I know there's no answer to that. My heart aches to adopt. And, today, on Mother's day,while my heart aches to be a mother, it also aches for anyone else who knows that longing and that pain-I am praying for you today.
It's been a grieving process-a sacrifice. When I was in college, the Lord challenged me, through the story of Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice my dreams and I find myself once again in that place. Even the God given dreams, must be laid at His feet. Praying for His will, His way is hard at times. However, in the grieving comes a re-birth. A new dream. My husband and I have talked about adoption from the time we started dating and God is continuing to draw my heart. If/when it's time, we'll know. We are also working with our final specialist for now, the Tulsa fertility clinic and have a few options, though expensive and extensive we have been trying.
I could go on and on about the process, the treatments, the silent pain I feel at times and perhaps I will later. There are so many things in this world I do not understand and can't make them make sense. My faith has been tested yet again-from who I know God to be and what I'm seeing His hands do (or not do). So many questions and sometimes after a pregnancy test, a call from the clinic, another needle poke, I get frustrated again-so many things I don't know. But, what I do know is that God doesn't change. The same God that met me in my room when I was a little girl-is still the same God. Can He do the impossible? yes. Will He do the impossible? I don't know. But my journey with God is about relationship. Relationship isn't based on what He will do for me, but who he is. God is still God, He is still my life, my everything-whether I get pregnant or not.
Today, on Mother's Day, I am thanking God for my own mothers and grandmothers. But also for the countless children He has allowed me to mother. I pray our journey will touch and encourage others. Not just those who are faced with infertility, but also those who are faced with confusion and waiting on God. Know that God is still God, He's still there, and His unfathomable love can reach wherever you are and lift you up. It's ok to be broken and fall apart. Sacrifice it all-so He can be all.
Growing up my friends used to say if there was a 'mother university', that's where I would go. In college, I was voted 'most likely to have 10 kids' (a title which I was very proud of by the way). Being an elementary teacher for a few years I have had the amazing opportunity to mother and even accidentally be called 'mommy' on occasion. I've kissed boo boos, cleaned up after kiddos who got sick, investigated wrongs, and held little ones on the playground, singing prayers over them, aching for their hearts and their hurts. And the hugs, oh the hugs.... and trying to walk through a maze of kids while they're holding onto me. It's like breathing-so natural and such an essential part of who the Lord has created me to be. I've always known that what God placed in my heart was for more than just my own biological children, but of course I've dreamed of feeling little ones kick inside my womb. My greatest fear has been infertility.
This past year, we have faced that fear. I will never forget that day in October, after 2 years of trying to get pregnant, I dialed a doctor's phone number-only to hang up before anyone answered. A couple of days later, I took a deep breath and made the appointment. Since then, it's been specialists, bad news, good news, confusing news.....and so, here we are. We have some answers-maybe, but what I know for sure is that my heart aches. My heart aches, as it always has, for the children I know and love who need parents. My heart aches to know why, or what I've done, though I know there's no answer to that. My heart aches to adopt. And, today, on Mother's day,while my heart aches to be a mother, it also aches for anyone else who knows that longing and that pain-I am praying for you today.
It's been a grieving process-a sacrifice. When I was in college, the Lord challenged me, through the story of Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice my dreams and I find myself once again in that place. Even the God given dreams, must be laid at His feet. Praying for His will, His way is hard at times. However, in the grieving comes a re-birth. A new dream. My husband and I have talked about adoption from the time we started dating and God is continuing to draw my heart. If/when it's time, we'll know. We are also working with our final specialist for now, the Tulsa fertility clinic and have a few options, though expensive and extensive we have been trying.
I could go on and on about the process, the treatments, the silent pain I feel at times and perhaps I will later. There are so many things in this world I do not understand and can't make them make sense. My faith has been tested yet again-from who I know God to be and what I'm seeing His hands do (or not do). So many questions and sometimes after a pregnancy test, a call from the clinic, another needle poke, I get frustrated again-so many things I don't know. But, what I do know is that God doesn't change. The same God that met me in my room when I was a little girl-is still the same God. Can He do the impossible? yes. Will He do the impossible? I don't know. But my journey with God is about relationship. Relationship isn't based on what He will do for me, but who he is. God is still God, He is still my life, my everything-whether I get pregnant or not.
Today, on Mother's Day, I am thanking God for my own mothers and grandmothers. But also for the countless children He has allowed me to mother. I pray our journey will touch and encourage others. Not just those who are faced with infertility, but also those who are faced with confusion and waiting on God. Know that God is still God, He's still there, and His unfathomable love can reach wherever you are and lift you up. It's ok to be broken and fall apart. Sacrifice it all-so He can be all.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Protecting our hope
Last night I read a quote that resonated with me: "Journaling will give you perspective and protect your hope." (More Than Enough, Dave Ramsey).
While I do not see blogging as a place to write freely like I would in a private journal, I do see that blogging could relate to that quote. I want to mention why I'm choosing to finally start a blog-partially so I can remind myself why I did this on days when I realize I've revealed too much or get frustrated with the computer. I've been debating about blogging for quite some time. I want to do it to keep family that don't live near us updated on our lives. But it's more than that. Over the past few months I have frequented some blogs and amazingly enough-someone else's words, someone whom I've never met, their online 'journal' has contributed to 'giving me perspective and protecting my hope.' If my words, if our story can do that for someone-even one person, then it was worth it.
So, here's to the start of this journey of 'journaling' my Hitchcock family's life which I affectionately call a 'Beautiful Mess' and to protecting our hope (as I raise a wine glass filled with grape juice).
While I do not see blogging as a place to write freely like I would in a private journal, I do see that blogging could relate to that quote. I want to mention why I'm choosing to finally start a blog-partially so I can remind myself why I did this on days when I realize I've revealed too much or get frustrated with the computer. I've been debating about blogging for quite some time. I want to do it to keep family that don't live near us updated on our lives. But it's more than that. Over the past few months I have frequented some blogs and amazingly enough-someone else's words, someone whom I've never met, their online 'journal' has contributed to 'giving me perspective and protecting my hope.' If my words, if our story can do that for someone-even one person, then it was worth it.
So, here's to the start of this journey of 'journaling' my Hitchcock family's life which I affectionately call a 'Beautiful Mess' and to protecting our hope (as I raise a wine glass filled with grape juice).
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