Journey in Sacrifice

Wow, it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted on this site. Today, I went back and read my post from Mother’s Day, 2011-Mother’s Day Sacrifice.  It brought me to tears as I thought about how far we’ve come in these three years and yet, how I’m still learning to trust the God who never changes……sacrificing my all so He can be all.  The incredible part of our story today is that I write this sitting next to my sleeping son-my miracle son. His name means “God is my laughter and strength” and how I pray he grows into that name---he already is. At 22 months, he is goofy and adventurous, has a heart for prayer and praising Jesus, seeks to please, has an ornery grin and a laugh that melts my heart. I am humbled and overwhelmed that God allowed me to know what carrying a child is like-to hear his heartbeat and feel him kick inside.  And today, I long to carry another child. Praying His will, His way still isn’t easy at times-knowing it may not be according to our hopes or dreams, but longing for Him to shape me, change me, mold me to be more like Him. A few weeks ago I asked my husband if I would always long for children. His answer surprised me. He said I would because that is part of how I was created. I love when the voice of God speaks through my husband. I thought back to my 5 years in the classroom and knew he was right. We have been on this journey through infertility for 6 years and adoption for 4 years. There are so many stories, perhaps I’ll share more later. But today, we are in the process of adoption-again. Longing to adopt and grow our family and being changed from the inside out. I have learned that even on the hard days, I hope I always long for children…..His children. I long to fill our home with them. Jesus adopted me as His daughter and I want to be His hands extended. So often the Lord speaks to me in everyday moments. The other night my son woke up and cried out for me over and over again. When this happens, I lay beside him and quietly say “I’m right here”. He continues to say “Mama” and rub my arm until he is asleep again.  I may not know what God has for us, or what He’s leading us to, but I know that when I cry out to him, he quietly says “I’m right here”-always has been and always will be. 

Beautiful Chorus

I remember as a child laying in bed hearing my Dad playing the piano at night. Especially on Saturday night, before Sunday church. Sometimes during the day he would have me help him figure out how a song went-he played by ear. But the nights, those times were my favorite. No one and I do mean no one can play the piano or sing like my father. Even as a teenager when I didn't want to hug my Dad let alone spend time with him, the songs kept coming. I don't think it was intentional, but meaningful to me nonetheless. As I sit here tonight, Saturday night, as an adult in my parents' house, I can hear him playing for my Aunts and ministering to them. I am reminded of those nights laying in my bed. And that we never know who is listening to us, or watching us. We can have an eternal impact on someone's life, without even knowing it. How I pray that my life reflects that of my Heavenly Father-reflecting who He is and showing His love even when I don't know it.  May my life be like my earthly father's song, a beautiful chorus-a constant reminder for others that God is always there.

Baby X

Today I'm thinking about a little one I will refer to as 'Baby X'.  A couple of weeks ago we got a very random phone call from a good friend informing us that, he too had received a random phone call about a baby that was going to be put up for adoption. We didn't and still don't know too much about this situation as it worked out in a different way and hopefully where baby X gets to stay with family. However, the call started a process in my heart. Instead of hoping that we could bring this baby home, I was nervous, but more than anything, I began praying for baby X. My heart broke for this baby and I wanted God's best-His calling, His protection and His divine plan for this baby. It was an amazing thing to hurt for this Baby and even though at times, I was a little disappointed that things didn't work out, I was more at peace that the plan for this baby would be ordered by God. I thank God for sending this possibility into our life and for what this little life has done to my heart.